3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
