If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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