Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
