He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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