Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
