Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
