I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
