i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
