I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
