There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
