Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
