Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
