I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I AM VODKA MAN
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
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