If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
