Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
