I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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