Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
