did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
