I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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