70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
