just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
