It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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