I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
