Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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