Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I have aggressive nipples.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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