she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
