yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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