I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
