none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
