is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
