Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
