I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Barsexuality is the new black.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
