Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
