I puked a lego.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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