Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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