My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
A+ Viking dick
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
