I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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