I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
