Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
