Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Randomize
