Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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