She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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