you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
it glows. i had to have it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
