sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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