Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
