He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
