It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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