He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
