I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
