i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
